Have you ever glazed over when someone talks too much?

Do you want to tell that person, “Oh, just shut-up. You’re boring me”?

Do you wonder if people perceive you the same way? As jabbering on, that is!

Ah, good questions… And ones that you need to answer before you open your mouth.

Confidence and feeling “in the groove” when you’re speaking is great.

Unless you forgot to check your ego at the door.

Or are ignoring your audience.

I just experienced such a situation.

I was asked to call someone as a favor. This person was interested in getting advice from me. (I’m an executive coach).

So, from my point of view, the person I was calling should have been sensitive about taking up my time.

Not the case.

I listened to this person for 20 minutes. I’m sure she thought she was giving me important background information.

Did I learn something?

Not much.

Did she check in with me to see if this much detail was necessary?

Was she sensitive about my time?

No and no.

This person was a senior, and well-paid, executive in her field.

It struck me that she was so accustomed to giving orders, her radar for reading people was non-existent. (Or she was so self-centered she didn’t care).

What I came away with was her need to talk to impress me.

In other words: her ego.

So, don’t confuse being confidence with being egocentric.

It’s always better to listen, rather than talk, when you first meet someone.

Further, your ego on display is not a plus under any circumstances.

Let your motto be: quiet confidence!

When I work with clients, I often notice two distinct types of individuals.

The first group consists of self-reliant clients who are eager to make breakthroughs. They want to change how they approach their job search and/or career advancement. They know what they are currently doing is not netting them the results they want. They celebrate having new tools and practicing using new methods.

If you are in this self-reliant group you don’t need to read any further. You’re on the road to success and congratulations.

Now I get to the second group of clients. Those who repeat the same procedures and processes, then wonder why things aren’t happening.

If you have an inkling that you might be in this second category, read on. You need to take a sharp 180-degree turn and retool your thinking.

Which of these statements describe the way you operate?

• Avoid trying anything new, whether it’s a new job search website, social networking program, taking a Toastmasters meeting or enrolling in a computer refresher course
• Never whole-heartedly give something a chance - says no, or that’s not for me, having given it only a “yes but” scrutiny
• Makes excuses as to why things are not happening - the dog got sick, the house needed repairs, etc. as the justification for not moving ahead
• Complain that things are not happening but take little or no action to get fresh results

So, do you recognize yourself…even a little bit?

When any of the above thought patterns arise, you don’t recognize them as self-defeating. They are so much a part of your modus operandi, your knee jerk reaction that you end up saying “no” before you even realize it. It’s an embedded cycle that’s hard to break.

That’s why it takes a leap of faith and discipline to move forward. Action outside your comfort zone is difficult, causing you to invoke one or another avoidance excuse. Making those all-important networking calls, for instance, gets deferred to another time. Or you have to have your car repaired, so you can’t possibly schedule a refresher computer class.

So, pick yourself up out of this victimhood mode, and realize that there is help at your fingertips. Most people want to help, especially those that care about you. And there’s a multitude of helpful avenues out there to pursue - online resources, in-person groups, professional coaches/counselors, family, friends, etc.

Having the courage to make a change can open new, better doors to opportunities you’d never have imagined before. Okay, so you may not hold the same title you did previously, or make as much money. On the plus side, you could experience a satisfaction that you never felt in your old career. One that provides you with a new sense of fulfillment that makes you welcome each day.

I’m reminded of a wonderful commencement speech that Steve Jobs gave at Stanford University some years back. The points he chose to impart to the graduating class were: connect the dots and embrace change.

Connect the dots: Steve, who never graduated from college, and who dropped out during his first year, was unsure what he wanted to do. So he took courses that appealed to him. One of them was a calligraphy course that he fell in love with. Ten years later, as the creator of the first Macintosh computer, he was able to incorporate his love of type and fonts into the first computer model. That’s why Macintosh computers are renowned for excellent type and graphics, not to mention operational simplicity. A business model, once proven, that Microsoft copied.

Lesson learned: You can never anticipate how knowledge learned today can become an integral part of your future. You can’t connect the dots looking forward, but you can certainly connect them looking back. So take classes that interest you, try new experiences. Even if you don’t pursue that field as a living, they will enrich your knowledge and become part of what you can give the world.

Embrace change: Steve Jobs was fired after 10 years at Apple by the board of Directors. (Never does a good deed go unpunished). He was devastated and didn’t know what to do next. He realized he still loved computers and graphics and went onto create two new successful companies, NEXT and Pixar. The rest is history.

Lesson learned: When you have changed foisted upon you — i.e. a layoff, let it be the catalyst to search for what inspires you. Let that lead the way to your next career choice. As in Mr. Jobs’ case, it can put you on a new, an even more fulfilling, path.

Steve Jobs’ suggestions have a common thread: embracing change, and embarking on something new, puts happiness in your own hands. Repeating the same old same old is a dead end!

So, what are you waiting for? Take a deep breath and take the first step. You will be happy you did.

Dale Kurow, M.S., MCDP, is an author and a seasoned executive and career management coach with broad-based business experience. She has built her reputation by delivering just in time, reality based feedback and counseling to rising executives, helping them flourish at the next level.

This month, I focus on another chapter of the new book, “The
5 Patterns of Extraordinary Careers” by James Citrin and Richard Smith.

This chapter highlights the difference between direct vs. implied permission and strategies for both.

What’s this got to do with strutting your stuff? Everything.

One key to having an extraordinary career depends upon your getting the opportunity to show what you can do. If you’re never in a position to perform at your best or implement the innovative solutions that nobody else has thought of, you will be like the girl never asked to the dance.

In order to get the chance at a career-making project or job, you either need to be given permission (direct permission) or take it (implied permission). Here are selected strategies for both:

Direct Permission Strategies

• Ask.
  Go ahead and speak with your boss or the powers that be and tell them what you want. Asking is the most obvious method, and sometimes the most effective.
• Demonstrate Competency.
  Analyze the competencies that are required for the role you seek. Break the job into specific tasks, and then find ways to get experience in each of them. Speak with an incumbent in the job (outside your company), and get information about the specific skill sets that are required.
• Strategic Mentoring.
  Find a mentor who will be your champion and to whom you can give back to as well. Getting your mentor’s expertise before negotiating for your desired goal can tip the scale in your favor.

Implied Permission Strategies

• Start Over.
  When I was promoted out of a secretarial role at Charles of the Ritz, some managers continued to regard me as a secretary. Their reluctance to accept me as an equal made it difficult for me to gain their respect or do my job. This directly impacted my performance and my ability to grow in the company. It wasn’t until I changed jobs that I left the baggage of my secretarial title behind. Sometimes, you need to be somewhere new to get the recognition and responsibility you have earned.
• Get Credentials.
  Additional education will often provide the imprimatur you need to advance to the next level. For example, an MBA, JD or CPA can be particularly effective early in your career. Consider getting an industry certification or enrolling in an executive education program if you are mid-career or beyond.
• Barter.
  For example, find a colleague who has expertise in an area you’re interested in, but no time or impetus to use those skill sets. If you can provide the structure and drive to move a project forward, s/he could provide the knowledge. An example of this is when two people co-author a book.

Some words of caution: The absence of permission is not carte blanche to push ahead without forethought. You need to get prior buy-in for your ideas, or you could alienate your peers and jeopardize your success.

Enlist support among your colleagues, and gain the appropriate levels of direct and implied permission. That will enable you to have the backing you need when sailing into new territory.

Suggested Reading

“The 5 Patterns of Extraordinary Careers”
by James M. Citrin and Richard A. Smith

“Leading Up: How to Lead Your Boss So You Both Win”
by Michael Useem

“Leadership Without Easy Answers”
by Ronald Heifetz

I recently attended a talk given by Richard Smith, the co-author of a new book, “The 5 Patterns of Extraordinary Careers.” This book is selling like hotcakes, and I was curious to hear what the buzz was all about.

It turns out that the book’s authors have identified how exceptional executives achieve career success.

Their findings point to five factors:

• understanding the value of you
• practicing benevolent leadership
• solving the permission paradox (direct versus implied permission)
• the 20/80 principle of performance, and
• finding the right fit

More on these factors in future newsletters.

I honed in on the first factor, “knowing your value,” which struck me as a no-brainer. But then, I realized there’s a lot more to it.

I wondered, how many of you know your own value in the workplace?

Your answer probably was a number, right? Like the aggregate of your salary, benefits and perks?

Not even close.

Consider the following when pondering your worth:

• Your age.
  Are you in the beginning stages of your career, where employers will be investing in your potential for the future? In middle age, where you don’t need training and are functioning at your fullest capacity? Or older, where you offer stability and the full breadth of your considerable experience?
• Market demand.
  Is your profession currently growing or in a consolidation mode? Remember the late 1990s when Internet mavens were in demand and could write their own tickets? Now, those folks are in the unenviable inverse position. If you are in an industry that’s not growing, consider translating your skills to another segment of your profession that would improve your worth.
• Your career trajectory.
  Have you worked for the market leaders? How quickly have you moved up? What types of career-making projects have you been responsible for? What are the reputations of your past bosses?
• Adding value.
  What have you done to continue learning and improving your skill sets? Can you point to specific learning experiences that exposed you to other leaders and added to your repertoire of tools?
• Do your homework.
  Salaries vary according to location, years of experience, etc. Check out www.salary.com or befriend knowledgeable recruiters who have their finger on the pulse of your market.

Hey, knowing your value takes work.

But you’re worth it!

Suggested Reading

“The 5 Patterns of Extraordinary Careers”
by James M. Citrin and Richard A. Smith

This book has been receiving rave reviews - it’s already in its third printing, and it’s just been published. The findings are backed by extensive research and interviews conducted by the authors. That’s a first. The 5 patterns, mentioned earlier in this newsletter, consolidate the behaviors, methods and mindset that have helped these supremely successful executives rise to the top of their profession. Simply stated, the 5 patterns offer a powerful formula for career advancement.

This article is compliments of Jonathan Lederer, VP of Sales of Popkin Software. I think Jon’s article is terrific. Did you know that there are key factors you need to know when interviewing with your prospective boss? Well, read on. Thank you Jon!

How To Choose A Boss

Choosing a Boss is very similar to choosing a significant other. Actually, if you truly think about it, you will probably spend more time making decisions to please your Boss than any other person in your life. If not, you are most likely looking for another job or you will be shortly. However, in my opinion, if
you follow these basic rules, your chances of making a good decision dramatically improve. These rules are as follows:

1. On the interview, come in with a series of questions. It is essential to recognize that you are interviewing your prospective Boss as much as he/she is interviewing you.
2. Never choose a job without meeting your Boss and their Boss, too. It is not only important to get along with your Boss, but to understand the dynamic between the person you report to and their Boss (ask to speak to them separately - this way, your new Boss is not on their best behavior). This also enables you to see if there are discrepancies in what the position entails.
3. Go through typical day-to-day scenarios. How do you react in XYZ situation? If they respond similarly to you, certainly let the individual know that you would react in the same way (this illustrates that you are both on the same page). If he/she does not react in a way you like, reevaluate your position. You can
   love a job, but if you can’t interact with your Boss positively, the job is not worth it.
4. Watch the way in which your Boss responds to your questions. Body language is as important as verbal communication. Remember, your prospective Boss may love your resume; however, in six months, if you don’t get along, his/her memory gets extremely short.
5. Can you manage their expectations? The job may be fantastic, but your new Boss may not truly understand what it will take to be successful. Your approach, in solving issues, may be very different from the way your new Boss may solve the same dilemma. Politically, you can still get into trouble even if you resolve the issue.
6. Do your personalities clash? Be honest with yourself and say, “Can I spend the rest of my life with this person?” If your answer is no, then you better run.

Like all relationships, interacting with a Boss takes hard work, understanding, dedication and communication to make it work successfully. Only you can decide who is right for you; however, with all good decisions, knowing what you are looking for always makes the decision that much easier.

Happy hunting!

Suggested Reading

“The Art of Possibility”
by Rosamund Stone Zander and Benjamin Zander

I’m recommending this book like crazy to my clients. Rosamund and Ben spoke at last year’s International Coach Federation conference in Atlanta, and they were phenomenal. Probably the best speakers I’ve ever heard. I ran to the bookstore to buy their book. I wasn’t disappointed. “In the face of difficulty, we can despair, get angry or choose possibility.” This book is a roadmap to helping bring the sense of possibility into your life.

“201 Best Questions to Ask on Your Interview”
by John Kador

This book is a great resource. The questions you ask on your job interview are as important as the answers you give. They reflect your attitude and can set you apart from the multitude of applicants competing for the same job. Here’s a terrific example: “What’s the most important thing I can do to help within the first 90 days of my employment?” That gets the interviewer thinking every time.

Stephen Covey’s Big Rock story provided the inspiration for this month’s issue.

A time management guru was speaking to a group of type “A” personalities. He placed a wide-mouth gallon jar on the table in front of him. Next to the jar was a collection of fist-sized rocks. He carefully filled the jar with the big rocks, until he could fit no more.

He asked the group, “Is the jar full?”

Everyone responded, “Yes.”

He then pulled a large bowl of gravel from under the table and proceeded to pour the gravel into the jar. The gravel fit into the spaces between the rocks. He again queried, “Is the jar full?”

“Probably not,” was the group’s reply.

He reached for another bowl, this one filled with sand. He dumped the sand into the jar. The sand filled the spaces not taken by the rocks and the gravel. Once more, he asked, “Is the jar full?”

“No,” everyone agreed.

Finally, he reached for a pitcher of water and poured water into the jar until it was filled to the top. The time management guru looked at the group and asked, “What is the point of my illustration?”

One man replied, “That no matter how full your schedule is, you can always fit one more thing into it.”

“No!” the guru responded.

The point of this illustration is, “If you don’t put the big rocks in first, you’ll never get them in at all!”

The moral of Covey’s story is: Get the important things figured out first, then fit everything else in around them. In other words, know what your priorities are.

So, how does this apply to your career?

Take the time to figure out where your career fits into your life and how much importance you want it to have.

Consider the following:

First and foremost, how much time do you want to devote to your career at this stage of your life?

Are you driven by the need to grow your career?

For example, when I was in my 30s and into my 40s, my career was my top priority. Getting ahead and being successful drove me. I had to give up a lot to get it. I ignored everything else in my life at that time.

How much time are you willing to devote to getting ahead?

What are the things you’d be willing to give up (e.g., relationships, friends, leisure pursuits, time for yourself, etc.) to achieve your goal?

Do you want to work for yourself or for someone else?

Do you want to work for a large corporation, small company or in academia?

In a for-profit or nonprofit environment?

What skills do you need to use in your job/career to function most effectively and to make the most impact?

Do you know what your skills are?

What type of boss do you want?

I have a client that has a knack for choosing bosses. He knows himself and what type of boss he needs to function most effectively (one that will give him independence and promote his career development within the company). His career has skyrocketed because of his ability to select the right boss.

What this boils down to is the need to know what’s important to you and to choose situations that will further your preferences.

Frequently, you end up in a job because a relative or friend thought it was a good career. You never chose. You let other people decide for you. Whether out of fear or lack of knowledge, this is a mistake.

You turn around, you’re thirty or forty and hate your work. You ask yourself how you got here and how the heck to get out.

Better to do the work up front. Take the time and do the soul searching, whether on your own or with help, but do it.

At any age, it’s important to know what your “big rocks” are. Then, you can start to have the balance you want in your life/career and the satisfaction of knowing you chose your goals.

Suggested Reading

“The Career Coach”
by Gordon Miller

I like Gordon’s book because it’s interactive; he offers assessments and quizzes at the end of each chapter. A sampling of his topics include: how to map out your career as part of a strategic plan; how to become proactive, rather than reactive, so you don’t miss out on opportunities; and how to bridge the gap between where you are in your career and where you want to be.

“Now, Discover Your Strengths”
by Marcus Buckingham and Donald Clifton, Ph.D.

Before you can set your priorities and function at your highest level of achievement and happiness, you need to clearly know what your unique talents and strengths are. This book helps readers discover and capitalize on their specific strengths.

What happens the first time you hear about a new suggestion, idea or offer outside your comfort zone?

Do you immediately say “no”?

Does your stomach do somersaults while your brain struggles to come up with negative comebacks, both verbal and nonverbal?

Do suggestions outside your usual terrain make you feel frightened? Anxious?

How many opportunities have passed you by, and how much have you limited yourself, owing to a naysaying first reaction?

You are not alone, and there’s hope.

Did you ever wonder how the people who constantly put themselves out there (giving speeches, performing, in leadership positions) do it?

They do all those miraculous things AND they are often nervous and scared!

I recently saw Cher’s Farewell Concert on TV. A backstage camera was following her just before her concert began. One of the first things she said was, “I’m nervous.” This from a diva who has been performing for 40 years!! Did she give a great concert? Yes. Could you tell that she was nervous? No. Well, it only took 40 years of practice to perform beautifully despite being nervous!

I often wonder why people say “no” so quickly. Saying “no” may be an attempt to control your world. Otherwise, it may get too overwhelming? Or you may put yourself in a position to fail? Or be embarrassed?

Okay, nothing wrong with saying “no” when you need to set boundaries. Or when you know something isn’t right for you. But what about those times in the middle? For instance, if it’s a brand new idea that you’ve never considered before?

Here’s how this translates to your career:

You’re looking for a job. When someone mentions a career area that you’ve not considered before, do you immediately dismiss it without at least getting more information? Do you not even ask the person why they suggested it?

You’ve exhausted your contacts, spent hours submitting your resume to on-line job boards, yet balk when someone says you need to get out and do more networking.

Do you ignore job ads that might be a stretch because they don’t exactly fit your qualifications? What are you saying to yourself as you turn the page on that ad? I bet it’s a negative thought.

How married are you to remaining negative? Do you justify your lack of success by always pointing towards all the bad stuff that’s happening?

When you hear about a project or get to bid on a new piece of work, do you immediately feel you are an imposter and doubt your capabilities?

Sound familiar?

A client recently said to me, after I suggested a program that would help her deal with the clutter in her life, “How often do I have to do this? More than once?”

Try, your whole life! But like the example of Cher above, it gets easier after 40 years.

Well, the best way I know to counter your loud inner naysayer is to notice what it says . . . but not act on it. For instance,
if your knee jerk reaction is to say “no” and your stomach is doing its usual dance when someone makes a suggestion, say, “That’s an interesting notion, I never thought about that before.”

Give yourself time to ponder it, consider it in the light of a new day. Then, decide if it feels right. What you’ll be doing is giving new ideas a fair chance to flourish.

Being open to new ideas is the best way over the speed bumps on the road to getting a new job, winning that promotion or becoming a better boss.

I often use the phrase “speed bumps” with my clients, to symbolize the hardest part of keeping motivated when you’ve exhausted the usual channels of a job search. And there’s usually more than one speed bump. They come in twos, or threes.

So, next time you hit a speed bump, notice your naysayer. Then, continue to move forward, smiling.

Suggested Reading

“The Portable Coach”
By Thomas Leonard

Thomas Leonard, the father of coaching, recently passed away. I find myself recommending this book again to my clients, as it truly is a way of approaching and reorganizing your life and career that works. From the Clean Sweep Program, which helps you eliminate clutter, to becoming Irresistibly Attractive to Yourself, Leonard’s book provides steps to make it happen.

“I Don’t Know What I Want, But I Know It’s Not This”
By Julie Jansen

Julie addresses today’s work-dissatisfaction epidemic and uses career assessment quizzes and personality exercises to help readers assess their present job, discover the type of work for which they’re best suited and make change happen. Filled with real-life examples and a useful resource section, Julie’s guide is an invaluable instrument for implementing positive career change.

If you are one of the many who are unemployed or anticipate being out of work, read on.

When you lose a job, whether by choice or not, you may feel loss, fear and its helpful cousin, anxiety.

It may have been a miserable situation that you couldn’t wait to leave. You may start beating yourself up (mentally and emotionally) for having stayed too long, for lack of foresight and for the dread of having to begin a job search.

These emotions are draining, debilitating and make you want to stay in bed.

Here are some tips that I’ve learned through the years to deal with job loss:

Initially, give yourself the time to feel and deal with the loss.

That may mean you need to postpone your job search. That’s okay. You’ll come back stronger after taking the time you need. However, if you can’t get out of bed after a week or two, seek professional support.

From day one, focus on taking care of yourself.

This is not the time to eat junk food or give up your exercise program. Your immune system takes a hit when you are stressed, so give it the fuel and care it needs to help you stay healthy.

Visit with close family and friends.

You need hugs, comfort and support. The best place to get it is with people who love you. Don’t isolate yourself for days.

Take time to be reflective.

Think about what your strengths are and what part(s) of your last job you would want to do again. Take notes.

If your last boss was a monster, think about what you would look for in your next boss.

What type of personality and temperament would you seek? What would you avoid? How will you know if it’s a good fit?

Rehearse how you will handle questions about your previous employer, especially if you were forced out.

Don’t get bogged down in too many details. Most employers know that companies reorganize, resulting in staff changes. You don’t need to lie. You can position your former situation in a positive light, without sounding like a victim.

Limit the amount of time you spend speaking with former coworkers.

You don’t need to rehash what happened and who said what about whom. This is a waste of time.

If you really feel blue, think about past successes in your career or life.

Focus on times when you felt joyful. Look at photos of trips or events when you were happy.

Your “job” before getting a job is to keep yourself well and heal prior to launching your job search campaign. You’ll be more successful, and have more confidence and poise, if you give yourself time to restore your energy and resolve.

Suggested Reading

“I Don’t Know What I Want, But I Know It’s Not This”

By Julie Jansen

Julie addresses today’s work-dissatisfaction epidemic and uses career assessment quizzes and personality exercises to help readers assess their present job, discover the type of work for which they’re best suited and make change happen. Filled with real-life examples and a useful resource section, Julie’s guide is an invaluable instrument for implementing positive career change.

“The Mediterranean Diet Cookbook”

By Nancy Harmon Jenkins

This cookbook forever banishes the idea that healthy food has to be boring or tasteless. If you’ve ever visited Italy (or want to), this book’s recipes evoke the warm, golden goodness of olive oil, the savory flavor of garlic and spices on fish, pasta, and crusty breads. Is your mouth watering yet?